#BellLetsTalk

Around a year ago I was sitting in my office at work and had a panic attack. The combination of working full time, being a student, and being a new Dad and Pastor caught up to me and I was so depressed I was having a hard time functioning. The physical manifestation of depression of fatigue, lack of focus, sadness, and anxiety got to be too much for me.

I remember thinking for years that tomorrow this will get better. That maybe tomorrow I would have more energy. Maybe tomorrow I would feel better about myself. Maybe tomorrow I would wake up and this burden that had been on my shoulders would be lifted.

Tomorrow never came. So I decided in my office, sitting there by myself to get help.. I went and found a good psychologist. I went to my doctor for medication. I started meditating and activating the parts of my brain that could help me cope with my symptoms. I started to see the lies that depression had been telling me for my entire life, and started blazing new neural pathways. I told my wife, family, and friends exactly where I was at and they supported me through it while also opening up about their own struggles.

Today I feel better but know that I am never out of the woods. If you are struggling today, I know what it can be like. I cannot walk a mile in your shoes, but I know what it's like to be mentally ill. Tomorrow can get better if you can deal with today. You do have enough courage in that heart of yours to stand up for yourself and get help. And all you Pastors or church people out there. If you are struggling but are embarrassed, don't be. You are a human being like everyone else, and sometimes you need help, just like me.

Getting better is the best gift God has ever given to me because it has helped me love my wife and daughter and friends and family and random people deeper. Through this God has taught me how to love from the deep places of my heart. This message comes from that deep place.

#BellLetsTalk

Weekly ramblings #1

A few quick ramblings for the week.

1. I was reflecting this morning on being lost. I remembered a moment in my life when I misplaced someone in my life inside of the Red Deer mall. I asked God to reveal the feelings I had inside my heart as I reflected back. I remember an initial feeling of anger. I was really choked I had to look around for someone that knew not to get lost. As I sifted through the memory in my mind I remembered and felt the sense of panic and fear that eventually replaced my anger. I remember running through the mall with tears streaming down my face. I remember crying out to God.  I remember the elation and sense of peace I had when I found my brother who was lost.

I am awestruck at the love that God has for all of us. The picture I get when I read the first ten verses of Luke 15 is of  a relentless pursuing God. He does not give up on His pursuit of people.  I wonder how I can be as tenacious and relentless as God is for the lost.

2. Any good resources out there for a daily devotional? I am looking for something that will ask me questions and lead me through reflections during my devotional time. If you know of anything let me know.

3. Tried McCafe canned drip coffee today. Surprisingly good. Check it out if you have no access to anything but questionable work coffee EVERY SINGLE DAY.

4. I watched the entire series of The 100. Pretty solid. If you like Sci-fi check it out. I am still unsure if its really really good, but it was an entertaining find on my day off.

5.  Also check out anything by Anthony Bourdain on Netflix.

6. Really excited to take 50 of our students to Laser Quest in Edmonton this Thursday. I plan on being the MVP of the games. Last time I went to Laser Quest Jenna just followed me around and relentlessly shot me. I plan on not having this happen this time around.

7. Went to Karaoke on Halloween night. Lets just say us Haugans dominated. Sang Kiss By a Rose by Seal. Here he is singing one of the greatest songs to ever appear on a Batman movie.

Philadelphia Morning

Tonight Jenna and I ventured into day 3 of P90X. It was tough, although I am used to working out my arms and shoulders from years of lifting fridges and what not. It was still tough, though. I find myself feeling very tired.

Every morning since I have started this new life, I have found it very hard to get out of bed. In fact I basically have to drag my heavy body out of bed. Its not a pretty sight. 

From there on its a fight. A fight to walk up a set of stairs. A fight to walk to the coffee shop for my Pastor meetings. A fight to lift my arms to drink water.A fight to eat right. More importantly, its a fight to keep going. To keep fighting for myself, my wife, and my God. It has not been easy so far, and it wont get any easier for a while, and I know that.

People close to me know that if there is one fictional character that I love the most in all of movie history it is Rocky. I never really understood why I had such a bond with Rocky. I used to figure it had something to do with the fact that me and him were both good athletes. Now, I think that God is using this character, somehow, to show me myself. I know its a little weird, and most up tight "christians" would argue that one shouldn't compare one self to a character that is not in the bible. I say shove it.

The way I see it now is that he had to fight his way through life at every level. He was not the smartest, he was not the most skilled, he was not the strongest. But what Rocky had inside his heart was the most fight out of anyone, and that got him to where he was destined to be. He never stopped, even when he was out of shape. I remembered this clip from Rocky (1976) that really displays how I am feeling right now. The first part is him training and struggling, and the second part is him standing alone in the ring before the fight of his life. I see myself at both points...Someone who is struggling and fighting for every space of concrete I walk on, and someone who is getting ready for the fight of his life. 

Keep praying.

P90X day 1

Last night Jenna and I started p90x. We have decided that we will be making a life change for the better. Jenna is fit already, but I need to shed a few (a lot) of pounds.

The program is really good. We did not have a pull up bar last night so we may have gotten off easy.

The discouraging thing for me is that I feel like I am just a shadow of my old self. I can barely even do 10 pushups in a row, and I have been able to do 70 in the past. I feel like it will be a long road back to be being healthy and fit.

Lately I have been feeling a real lack of energy which has become quite evident in my conditioning with our soccer team. I can barely run one time up and down the field without slowing way down to  walk. I also feel very tired at the end of my work day. I mostly sit in a desk all day and read, so this is worry-some as any normal person would not feel tired at the end of the days I have. So here goes nothing. I am hoping to lose 50 pounds and fit into a large shirt by the end of this long road. I also want to go down to a size 36 pant. I am sick of walking into a store and having no clothes that fit me.

A big thanks to my brother Kev for inspiring me to have enough of being mediocre. I need to have the body God intended me to have. I take care of myself mentally and spiritually very well, and now it is time for me to take care of myself physically.

Here is what you can do for me: Keep me accountable. Text me and bug me to keep going. Encourage me, rebuke me. Help me guys! I need to be surrounded by people who wont let me fail. Most of all pray for me. Pray that this will be a watershed moment in my life,  and that I will succeed..

MUSIC

Thanks for watching! I hope you liked it.

Cooking

Tonight was a good night. We may have lost our soccer game, but we won in the effort department. Today was a strange day for Dean and Jenna. We ate at Opa! this afternoon. It was good. Good enough to keep us full till we got home. When we got home, we had a 4 hour nap.

After the 4 hours, it was soccer. And now here I sit at 11pm. I am hungry. So instead of eating ichiban or some other horrible choice, I had decided to make my dinner for tomorrow right now. It doesn't make much sense, but neither does a 4 hour nap.

I made some spaghetti. Instead of using spaghetti noodles, I used rottinni and I will never do that again. I want to tell you how I make my sauce. Maybe one day you will try it.

I generally work in half portions. That is because I have just 2 people.



First Stage

1/2- onion chopped

2- cloves of garlic. I try to use the bigger cloves in the head. If you are down to just small cloves, use 3.

Italian seasoning- This has many ingredients. I use it because it is easy. Plain old dry oregano would work as well. Season to your liking. I dont really like to measure out seasoning.

In a large sauce pan add a tablespoon or so of olive oil. Heat it for about a minute or two and add onions. Cook on medium high heat. While the onions begin to cook mince or crush the garlic and add it to the pan. cook together for just a few minutes. Add the seasoning and mix together. It should almost make a little paste within the onions and garlic.

Second Stage

250-500 grams ground beef or turkey. Turkey seems to pick up flavour quite nicely. However, beef is more versatile, and seems to heighten the taste of the sauce. it depends on what you like. I usually use turkey as the sauce has a lot of flavour.

1 tablespoon of red wine

Add the meat to the onion/garlic mixture. Brown meat. Make sure you brown until there is some run off cooked to the bottom of the pan. This is important as it will add a lot of flavour to your sauce. Dont burn it. Just make sure its cooked and browned. At this point add the red wine to the sauce. It may take more wine then I listed. It all depends. This wine is meant to deglaze the bottom of the pan.

Third Step

1 large can of crushed tomatoes
1/2 cup red wine (sweeter the better)
1 tbsp white vinegar
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
1 tbsp basil

When the meat is all done, which should be seconds after you add the wine to deglaze, add the crushed tomatoes. I use these because it has nothing added to it that will take away from what we have done so far. It is ok to use any store bought sauce at this point as well, if you are more comfortable with that. Once the crushed tomatoes is mixed well with the meat, add the wine. You can use more if you would like, it all just depends on preference. Add the red pepper flakes.  Let all the ingredients bubble nicely. At this point you should be no higher than medium heat. Add the vinegar and sugar. My Mom showed me this step, and she calls it the "ying and the yang" of the sauce. I tend to agree. However, if you like more tangy sauce, add more vinegar than sugar. If you like a sweeter sauce add more sugar to vinegar. Let cook for a good 10 minutes, then add the basil. The basil will add some additional sweetness, and will give it a nice unique taste. It also adda a fresh taste as well. Turn down to simmer. The longer is sits and simmers, the better it tastes. If you simmer for a long time, you may need to add water to thin out the sauce if it reduces too much.

This isn't the last recipe for sauce that I will ever come up with. However, it is the one I like the best. It is a combo of my mom's recipe with a little touch of Dean. The most important ingredient is to take your time, and love what you cook. Thats the thing my Mom has always taught me with cooking. Do these things with great joy. You get to have fun making food, and having people eat it. I find that this year some of Jenna and I's best moments have been around food that we have made. It has helped us have a time and place to sit down and talk, and also has helped us learn to work together. I think that is what God had in mind when he created us to cook. I hope you enjoy :)

Hello

I got spooked off my last blog. I have always struggled with writing. To put it better, I struggle with finding my voice in words. That seems deep, but its actually quite frustrating. I will be hiding this blog. I dont care about views or notoriety, that I will not gain. I am also not going to B.S my way with some hyper conservative religious talk. I veered that way in my past blog, and I have grown past that now.

I want to talk about the Canucks. I want to discuss with you how my heart is hurting over a lack of respect for my team.

The last time the Canucks made it to the third round of the playoffs I was in Kindergarten. Thats a long time ago. 1994 to be exact. To some of you that is just a blink of an eye. But for me, I was just a small boy. Since then I have sat through the years where they sucked. I have sat through the "West Coast Express." What a disaster. Now I am sitting through this team.

I want the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup. I want to have that feeling that my team is the best. However, I will not stand by and cheer against the Sharks if they beat the Canucks. That is gutless. Let me explain to you a few things.

I am a real hockey fan. I love the game. I love skating and feeling my face get cold on a winter day from skating into the wind. I like the sound of my skates against the ice. I like the feel of the puck on a newly taped stick. I like the feeling of snapping my wrist and shooting the puck. There is not a single thing I like doing more in the world. I have done my best thinking playing hockey. I have had my greatest pain playing hockey. I have had my greatest triumphs playing hockey. This sport runs deep in me and is etched in my DNA.

 I have learned not to let it consume me.

That is what I see happening here this playoff. I see fans flooding facebook with absolute hate towards my team. I have seen fights go on over how the Canucks suck. It is despicable.

Dont get me wrong, every fan deserves the right to cheer, but this is going too far. Putting facebook pictures of the team the Canucks are playing against. Hatred on message boards. Its just ridiculous. Here is the problem.

People need to be defined by something. People need to be able to belong to something. Hence sports teams. What is truly sad is here we see groups of people who define themselves as a fan of a hockey team. Love the game for what it is, not who plays it. Grow up and define yourselves by the content of your character and not how much you "love" your team. In other words, its to be enjoyed, not lived.

I love hockey. But I hate living it.